Any Town, USA. It is time to celebrate America. It is time to lay down our political differences and grab a bag of the triumphant triangles of tri-color goodness. What goes better with peanuts? Well, chocolate, of course...But, besides that? Don't answer that, Boston. We know your half-baked answer. Hooray for Candy Corn! Do you know where it originated? Neither do we. Why? It just doesn't matter. Say it with us. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter! Because at the end of the day, you can still make yellow vampire teeth and laugh the night away with the biggest sugar-rush headache of your life. Candy Corn. Corn Chips. Chips Ahoy. Ahoy Mates. Covfefe. It all makes sense now. Candy Corn is the answer. (Editors Note: Skippy, the newly acquired writing intern, was found surrounded by empty bags of candy corn in a pool of his own sugary sick this morning after finishing this entry. He will be taking a few days off.)

Fort Wayne, IN. After 30 intense days and nights of struggle, A Better Post confidently announces that they have cleared all the curmudgeon cootie creatures from their TI 99 Word Processor. "We are back in full production of prestigious posts, but it was a battle of the ages." Says Swy. "We done got infested. First, they rattled the rattlers in the ratta-tat-tatter. Next, they wiggled the wires in the haymaker, and it went haywire. Those cooties are quite the quiet quandary." What started as a silly wordplay nuisance quickly turned into a vicious attack of A Better Post's right to free press. "It was like the little guys didn't want us to post any of our top-notch reporting anymore." Says J. Ken Doll. "Every time we started to type stuff, something else went wrong. Finally, we just picked up the keyboard and shook the bejinkers out of it. Literally, bejinkers fell out of it. Bejnkers and Cooties. They were in cahoots the whole time." That revelation allowed the A Better Post team to buy a big can of Cootie Spray and remedy the problem. "Get set, America. We are back and ready for round two.”

Oxnard, CA. Pear, LLC is the not-so-famous manufacturer of the Pear Laptop Computer. You know the company. You just didn't know that you knew the company. Pear is that "alternative" laptop brand you see popping up in so many sitcoms across semi-popular cable channels. Well, as it turns out, they were bought by another company named Orange, LLC. So, now the pear shape, which used to be an apple shape, will be replaced with an orange circle shape. We apologize. It's a slow day for made-up sarcastic news.

Spokane, WA. Spin-o-Matic Creative Inc, the Northwest Food Agency famous for legendary advertising culinary campaign slogans like "You can take the MEAT out of the LOAF, but you can't take the POP out of the CORN!" and "WHAMMY! It's Not HAMMY!" are at it again. With a witty campaign aimed directly at helicopter moms concerned with presumptive childhood allergies, Spin-o-Matic introduces their "Spices Lighter Than Air" campaign for their newest client, Tom's Tennis Balls. "Well, our client was a tennis ball manufacturer. When that market fell apart this year, they wanted to diversify," explains Josh Winklerbone, Chief Creative Spinner for Spin-O-Matic. "We said...Let's take the tennis balls out of the can. We'll slap a different label on the empty can and call it a line of Safe Air-based Spices for kids. Helicopter moms will buy anything. And, the rest is history." With sales reaching triple digits in Q2, No-Spice Spices are a giant hit. With claims on the can like "0% Sugar, 0% Sodium, 0% Anything," moms love No-Spice Spices. The biggest sellers so far include No-Sneeze Peppercorn, Guilt-Free Garlic Salt, and I Can't Believe It's Not Cumin. Moms claim it is the safest seasoning for organic broccoli, vegan mac and cheese, and no-kill chicken nuggets. Kids report that it's stupid.

Newark, NJ. Many things are changing thanks to recent powerful cultural shifts being felt across every level of today's society. One area that is seeing a significant rise is called "the tattoo scene." This little known and little-seen subset of strange people uses permanent ink, injected under the skin's epidermis, to represent images and ideas all over their bodies. In some cases, they will even use words. Arms, legs, bellies, and even heads are seeing tattoos. It's shocking. What's even more surprising are the fonts. We've seen Helvetica, Comic sans, Rockwell, and a whole host of script fonts. Because this is such a new cultural shift, no one knows precisely the long term effects of tattoos and what might happen to those that receive them in the long run. Brain damage, kidney failure, hemorrhoids are just a few guesses. If you happen to see someone with one of these renegade marks, don't run from them. They are people just like you and us. Only weirder.

Editorial Note: Thanks to the outpouring of concern over yesterday's post, A Better Post was able to track down self-proclaimed advertising expert Alister Wizzlebee. From an anonymous tip, we found Dr. Wizzlebee hiding out in a local McDonalds chowing down on a hot, fresh, cheesy McDouble. When asked if that was our dollar that paid for the delicious burger treat, Dr. W simply said, "Your advertising dollar is hard at work." and walked out the door. After a little frustration, we ordered a couple of number ones and headed back to the office. Suddenly, everything made sense in a weird way. Perhaps Dr. Wizzlebee is a genius. Perhaps.