Fort Wayne, IN. After 30 intense days and nights of struggle, A Better Post confidently announces that they have cleared all the curmudgeon cootie creatures from their TI 99 Word Processor. "We are back in full production of prestigious posts, but it was a battle of the ages." Says Swy. "We done got infested. First, they rattled the rattlers in the ratta-tat-tatter. Next, they wiggled the wires in the haymaker, and it went haywire. Those cooties are quite the quiet quandary." What started as a silly wordplay nuisance quickly turned into a vicious attack of A Better Post's right to free press. "It was like the little guys didn't want us to post any of our top-notch reporting anymore." Says J. Ken Doll. "Every time we started to type stuff, something else went wrong. Finally, we just picked up the keyboard and shook the bejinkers out of it. Literally, bejinkers fell out of it. Bejnkers and Cooties. They were in cahoots the whole time." That revelation allowed the A Better Post team to buy a big can of Cootie Spray and remedy the problem. "Get set, America. We are back and ready for round two.”

Spokane, WA. Spin-o-Matic Creative Inc, the Northwest Food Agency famous for legendary advertising culinary campaign slogans like "You can take the MEAT out of the LOAF, but you can't take the POP out of the CORN!" and "WHAMMY! It's Not HAMMY!" are at it again. With a witty campaign aimed directly at helicopter moms concerned with presumptive childhood allergies, Spin-o-Matic introduces their "Spices Lighter Than Air" campaign for their newest client, Tom's Tennis Balls. "Well, our client was a tennis ball manufacturer. When that market fell apart this year, they wanted to diversify," explains Josh Winklerbone, Chief Creative Spinner for Spin-O-Matic. "We said...Let's take the tennis balls out of the can. We'll slap a different label on the empty can and call it a line of Safe Air-based Spices for kids. Helicopter moms will buy anything. And, the rest is history." With sales reaching triple digits in Q2, No-Spice Spices are a giant hit. With claims on the can like "0% Sugar, 0% Sodium, 0% Anything," moms love No-Spice Spices. The biggest sellers so far include No-Sneeze Peppercorn, Guilt-Free Garlic Salt, and I Can't Believe It's Not Cumin. Moms claim it is the safest seasoning for organic broccoli, vegan mac and cheese, and no-kill chicken nuggets. Kids report that it's stupid.

Fort Wayne, In. In this exclusive report, A Better Post is blowing the lid off the magical creatures' hidden realm. Thanks to the sweet blurry photography skills of our own Skippy Winkerbutter, you can see what might appear to be the rascally remains of a lively library troll! These troublesome trolls are the guys that sneak all those extra logos and graphical bits of fodder into your Abobe libraries while you aren't looking. Dr. Ephraim Eggbert of the Paranormal League for Extraordinary Stuff explains, "We've all been there. You turn your back on your Mac for a second. You go back to your Illustrator pallets and BOOM. There's a client's logo just sitting in the library. You didn't put it there. It just appeared. So, you delete it. You come back the next day and BOINGO! It's back. Library Trolls. You got Library Trolls!" Thanks to Dr. Eggbert's research, many other unexplained phenomenons are on the cusp of being discovered. We plan to report them all.

Here at A Better Post, we definitely don't believe in ghosts. But, for the sake of writing today's post, we'll say anything. Digital artists worldwide are being seen by leading psychiatrists for a growing paranormal phenomena that can only be described as possession of "Ghost Z." Want to see if you are possessed? It is fun. Let's find out. Here's a situation. You are at a coffee shop and pick up your delicious Cappa-whippa-chino, and it is on fire. In a fight or flight moment, you release the liquid lava, only to see it explode on the stained concrete below. In that instant, you call on Ghost Z to possess the situation and reverse time. In your mind you thought, "Control + Z.” This applies to traffic tickets, arguments, bear caves, unicycles…you name it. Don’t worry, it's a graphic designer thing. But, you should probably see a psychiatrist or call your mom.

Moscow, Idaho. It took just over 14 days for Moscow Marketing, a successful local marketing & advertising firm, to close its doors forever. "Other agencies need to watch out, as well. It really snuck up on us." reports Micheal Meowmix, CEO of M.M. "One of our sales guys thought it could be a team builder. You know. Let's all get the app and have a little fun. Do some parachuting. Shoot up some bad guys. Next thing you know, it's been 8 days straight. We haven't done any work. All our clients are gone. Chip's thumb is broken. Bob's chain-smoking clove cigs again. And for what? A Vicky Royale? A Chicky Din Din? What were we thinking?" Our guess is, not a whole lot gents. Not a whole lot.
*Editors Note: Ironically, the headline worked using either "Fortnight" or "Fortnite." We went with option A.

Pensacola, FL. In a highly conclusive survey result corralled by the incomparable minds of Comparable Data Inc., they found 72.3% of all creative minds love fruity, sugary processed foods. In the same survey, 72.1% may have pre-diabetes. "They just can't get enough of the delicious arty flavs." says Collon Cornholter, Chief Tasting Officer for Fakie Flavors Inc. "Fruit Loops, Fruity Pebbles, Fruit-by-the-Foot, you name it. Berry Blast, Trix, Apple Jacks, Crunch Berries. If it has a fruit in the name, people will buy it by the truckload. We once sold a whole barrel of cherry flavoring to a company making fruit-flavored unmentionables. Can you believe it?" To that end, Collon, we can believe it. And to all those creatives that love a good heaping spoon full of Boo Berry Crunch, we salute you. (And will probably have a nice chance to catch up in the hospital waiting room.)