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No Spin Spin Doctors Sprinkle Love on No-Spice Spices

Spokane, WA. Spin-o-Matic Creative Inc, the Northwest Food Agency famous for legendary advertising culinary campaign slogans like "You can take the MEAT out of the LOAF, but you can't take the POP out of the CORN!" and "WHAMMY! It's Not HAMMY!" are at it again. With a witty campaign aimed directly at helicopter moms concerned with presumptive childhood allergies, Spin-o-Matic introduces their "Spices Lighter Than Air" campaign for their newest client, Tom's Tennis Balls. "Well, our client was a tennis ball manufacturer. When that market fell apart this year, they wanted to diversify," explains Josh Winklerbone, Chief Creative Spinner for Spin-O-Matic. "We said...Let's take the tennis balls out of the can. We'll slap a different label on the empty can and call it a line of Safe Air-based Spices for kids. Helicopter moms will buy anything. And, the rest is history." With sales reaching triple digits in Q2, No-Spice Spices are a giant hit. With claims on the can like "0% Sugar, 0% Sodium, 0% Anything," moms love No-Spice Spices. The biggest sellers so far include No-Sneeze Peppercorn, Guilt-Free Garlic Salt, and I Can't Believe It's Not Cumin. Moms claim it is the safest seasoning for organic broccoli, vegan mac and cheese, and no-kill chicken nuggets. Kids report that it's stupid.

A Dollar Follow Up

Editorial Note: Thanks to the outpouring of concern over yesterday's post, A Better Post was able to track down self-proclaimed advertising expert Alister Wizzlebee. From an anonymous tip, we found Dr. Wizzlebee hiding out in a local McDonalds chowing down on a hot, fresh, cheesy McDouble. When asked if that was our dollar that paid for the delicious burger treat, Dr. W simply said, "Your advertising dollar is hard at work." and walked out the door. After a little frustration, we ordered a couple of number ones and headed back to the office. Suddenly, everything made sense in a weird way. Perhaps Dr. Wizzlebee is a genius. Perhaps.

A Dollar For Your Thoughts

In today's post, we interviewed a little known but self-described brilliant marketing and advertising expert, Dr. Alister Wizzlebee. He allowed us to ask one profound question. So, we made it a good one. "If we hand you a dollar, can you describe the difference between marketing and advertising using it?" He said yes. So, we gave him the dollar. What he did next was profound. He put the dollar in his pocket. Whispered, "Marketing lesson learned." And then he walked away. How profound was that! No, really. How profound was that? We don't understand what happened. If you do, please let us know. And, if you happen to know where Alister lives, can you get our dollar back. We need it for parking. Thanks. - A Better Post.

New Bond Movie Leaked?

While details are as sketchy as our source, we never let bad journalism stop us from reporting mediocre news. Here is what we almost know. There is a NEW BOND MOVIE being written. It centers around the Martini Man, fighting it out with a villain named Dr. Koran A. Viros! The plot is pretty unique to the Bond Universe. Viros unleashes hell on the whole world through a chemical agent, which forces everyone to sit inside their homes and argue on-line. Economies crumble. Sports cancel. Babies cry. Social injustices abound—all that stuff. To defeat Viros, Bond must find a way to unite all humanity through a fantastic act of...well; we don't want to give away the plot. You'll have to see the movie when it comes out. But boy-oh-boy, it will be a good one.

A Better Sugary Apology

In light of a recent post, and following possible litigation, A Betterman would like to formally apologize to Sugar Inc. for any negative insinuations made against its exceptional product, sugar®. The sweet delicious goodness of sugar, found in nearly every product we consume, is a great thing. It gives us plenty of energy and happiness to engage in our everyday, mediocre lives. Sugar picks us up when we are sad and delivers us from our mid-day slumps. Please go out and buy lots of sugar. Feed your kids lots of sugar. In no way will it cause issues for them down the road. And according to the script we have been provided, diabetes is a hoax, just like cigarettes and Roundup.

Sugar to Reassess Marketing Strategy

Sugar Inc., the makers of the world-famous ingredient, Sugar® are considering a re-branding campaign geared at a more positive approach to their product. "Lately, sugar has been getting a lot of bad press," says Lilly Lollipoppers, CMO for Sugar, Inc. "We are ready to engage with an agency that can take the sweetness out of our sugar and change the dialogue completely. Like they did with cigarettes or Roundup. We want our sugar to be about sustained energy and vitality of life. We want the average, do nothing, boring, American house mom to know that when she gives her smelly son or buck-toothed daughter a spoonful of SUGAR, she's giving them a heaping helping of dumb love. Any dopey mom can hopefully understand at least that much." Well Lilly, if the average American mom didn't hate sugar before, they surely will now. And we thank you for that.

About A Better Post

A Better Post is a creative outburst of A. Betterman Creative. All names, both real and made up, are used for humor and parody purposes only. All stories, facts, and data shared herein are not to be taken literally. Who has time to find real info anymore? That takes work. It's all for funsies. Enjoy responsibly. Share extravagantly.